I am not sorry people.

I am doing this experiment. Its called the "not apologizing for who I am" experiment. This challenge came from a new mentor that just came into my life. What this looks like is refraining from saying sorry. She asked me if I would be up for writing down every time I apologize for something ridiculous.

In the past two days, I have apologized for taking a minute to find my check card (this is something that I do every single time I pay simply because my check card never ends up back in my wallet). I apologized for taking a moment to put on my jacket before I walked outside in the cold. I apologized when someone asked me to move so they could get a pan out of the cupboard. AND countless other things.

Now people, I realize how ridiculous it is to apologize for this seemingly miniscule things, but somehow my brain has been trained to say sorry and before I know it the words float out of my mouth.

My point is this...I would like to stop apologizing for things that don't need sorrys attached to them. Yeah, all those things I apologize for seem little but it doesn't start and stop with the small stuff. I recognize that this feeds into a much bigger picture that sometimes is overlooked. Often, I feel the need to apologize for my outlook on certain issues, the way I present them, and more generally, the way I interact with folks.

AND, its like WHY?! Why in my right mind would I apologize for who I am?

My belief: I give away my power, people. Give it right away like it means nothing to me. Like its some old t-shirt. The whys behind it seem unimportant at this point. What is imperative is the how I am going to stop all this nonsense. Recognition, retraining, reaffirming. Thats right.

So, with that, I am not sorry, people.

SNOW!

"I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything, Live the questions now." Rainer Maria Rilke

pictorial commentary

Another view through my camera...

My Office

Another View of My Home away from Home

Oh, Winter melt away soon please.

The Women in our New Years Giddups

The best dog I've ever met.

When will be live in the same town again?

I miss you Summer.

Nobody Tells You

Its true when I say this...nobody tells you its going to be this way. My folks may have tried. But that sounded more like...

"Work hard, get good grades, do this, do that, etc., etc., etc."

But still, I didn't know it was going to be this way. Hard, challenging.

UC Berkeley...nobody there told me. I studied for four and a half years under the guidance of great intellects to be something, to be more intelligent, to succeed, to find my path. It felt like I had it together, but I didn't know when I departed, left that environment (that crazy rat race), that most days I would feel like the universe is swallowing me whole and spitting me out to find my own way with what feels like no guidance.

Maybe the homeless men on the corner tried to tell me (no ordinary homeless men...they were wise fighters for freedom during the 1960s that now spend their days choosing to be "houseless").

Nobody told me it was going to be this way. Maybe its because we all have to find out ourselves. We have to fail and fail again and take the road less traveled only to find a dead end. Then its about picking yourself up again and finding a new road that we think is the right one only to find out it may not be right, feel right. The strength part comes when you recognize it and decide you have to abandon ship metaphorically speaking. We will not know until we try, isn't that what they say?

So, what's all this ranting about? Well, its about trying to feel a little less lost.

As of Late

Its been awhile...i know.  I stopped writing.  Not sure why...maybe it got too laborious, maybe I got caught up in life, or maybe I thought nobody cared.  What I realize though is that creativity and writing...whether im good at it or not...is important to this little life of mine.  

Since, I last wrote I moved my life down to Asheville, NC.  The South...aww the South...how I love thee.  Let me list the reasons...

1. the appalachian mountains-they are old as can be and boy is the spirit alive in them.  I also work in them with some troubled kids who need a big fat wake up call.  Maybe the mountains will help the kids maybe they won't, but they sure as hell help me whenever I need to get my shit straight (this of course is more often than not).

2. sweet tea-I drink sweet tea at 85% of my meals...when not drinking beer of course (which is another reason I love the South, but I will get to that in a moment).  I mean, in the South, if you ask for tea you get sweet.  If you don't want it sweet you gotta ask for it.  

3. the beer-the selection rivals that of what I was exposed to in California thank you very much.  

4. sweet potatoes-who knew how good sweet potatoes were?  I sure didn't...

5. the music-asheville is known for its music scene and I plopped myself right in the middle of it...and I like it.  folk, meets rock, meets creativity, meets a real good time for this one.

6. the slowness-life is slower than my all out life in California.  Its hard sometimes, but I appreciate it.  

7. farmers-many many farms and farmers here...people grow their own food! and sell it! locally! Life goal-have a farm, grow my own food, live off the land-who can help me with this people?

So, those are just a few of the things I love about the South so far.  Maybe I will be here for a while, maybe I won't.  It depends I suppose on the relationships I have and the men I meet who think I am cool enough to spend time with and who I think are just great and my happiness and my connection to place and space and people.  

You may ask what the life plan is at this point.  Who the fuck knows is what I say.  I mean I have ideas of course, but I live in constant confusion and although I have solid beliefs about an end goal I haven't quite figured out how to get there yet or who is going to travel that path with me. Hopefully whoever journeys with me is cool as hell and whatever my path looks like I will continue to be challenged and to hurt and to heal and to grow into a better more secure version of me.  Because I am pretty cool...just gotta do some more work on the belief part (I think I may almost be there).

In the end, to be present is most important.  I mean that's where the real work is....to live everyday trying to be better and greater and more open to whatever comes my way and of course to listen to what the universe is trying to tell me because its something bigger than I can even begin to understand right now.

WOMENNNN

Its true that I often think damn these child bearing hips and the once a month visit from Aunt Flo.  I curse societies standards of what a woman should be and loathe the pressures I internalize to be thinner, prettier, more stylish.  Growing up I thought life would be easier if I were a boy...I guess sometimes I still think that...like when my voice is not heard or I'm looked at as a bitch for having an opinion.  

Don't get me wrong I'm no man hater and in the end, I am proud to be a woman.  Its great...I get to wear dresses and put on makeup...I am athletic, climb mountains for a living and enjoy whiskey neat (I refuse to think these things make me a tomboy...I am simply a more well-rounded woman)...I am intelligent and I am lucky enough to be growing up in a time when women have or are continuing to achieve as many rights as men.  AND, eventually, I will get to grow a little person in my tummy and then bring it in to the world.  Sounds sorta gross right now and I have absolutely no plans for this in the near future, but hey I do believe its quite the blessing.  

Sometimes I wonder if I'll find a nice boy who can keep up with me...I suppose that I am beginning to have more faith.  Beginning to believe that happiness can not be based on a man or anyone other than myself...that beauty comes from within.  Eventually, I will find someone truly worthy of my attention.

Anyway, its a beautiful thing...being a woman.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by intelligent and beautiful friends.  Often, I am in awe of my friends and feel lucky to have such people in my life.  Sometime ago, I began referring to each of my friends as "woman."  "Woman" this and "woman" that.  When Meredith called me the other day she said, "Hi Woman, this is Woman."  I loved it.  It reminds me that I am a woman and that I'm wonderful and powerful and everything else a woman is blessed enough to be if she lives to the fullest.  

So here is my tribute to the women in my life...my closest friends.  Those that remind me what it means to be truly beautiful, to be unique, that its great to be all different sizes and shapes, and to be strong in challenging times.  Here is a little love for those who have picked me up when I'm down, laughed, cried, appreciated these type of cheesy gestures, stopped me from wishing I were a boy and to those who will share a bottle of Beam with me any old day...in honor of our womanhood of course.

Cheers to being a WOMAN...